Quite predictably my weight rebounded. Of course, a pint of blood (1.08 pounds) is going to regenerate itself rather quickly. But the good news is that I’m bouncing between lower highs and lower lows. It’s worth considering that breaking through weight setpoints is similar to breaking through mental setpoints. And I hit mental setpoints in my daily meditation practice from time to time. I live this truth whenever I experience strong emotional reflexes (aka reactions, but more automatic) when confronted with various stimuli.
Zero + ; Octet ; M: 96 ; C: 59 ; P/U: 50 ; W : 5 miles
Health R.O.S.
- Weight: 214.8
- BMI: 29.1
- Fat %: 22.3
In other words, everytime I have what I consider a psychological ‘breakthrough’ in my meditation practice, there’s some corresponding life event that takes a little of it back. This is similar to a heavy late night dinner joining you on the scale the next morning.
For example, last night after the charity event (at which I remained both sugar and alcohol free!), I got a bit annoyed and snippy with my wife about which route to take home. I wanted to take the freeway and she insisted on taking backroads. Stupid thing, but since I had been chauffeuring people around all day, at 11pm I was over it.
Rather than fight with her, I caved and went the way she wanted. I felt defeated and seethed in silence for most of the ride.
The root of suffering is attachment.
– The Buddha
Emotions, Labeling, and Non Attachment
Using methods from my practice, like R.A.I.N., helped me to recognize that I was experiencing an emotion, to label it (anger), and to detach from it. I realized that even though this disagreement was still recent, it was now a ‘past event’, and therefore irrelevant. Still, emotionally, I had a pretty tough time letting it go, but I was able to work through my issue using this technique.
Silly thing, but this brief argument over our route home triggered a strong set of core beliefs in me – specifically, not liking to be told what to do, being second guessed, or made wrong.
I had precisely the same reaction at work recently when a colleague asked me to wear a ‘dress shirt’ to a Zoom meeting. Another stupid little thing that stuck in my craw after triggering the same core belief. I let it go and wore the shirt. Funny thing, though, another VP showed up on that very same Zoom wearing a black t-shirt similar to the one I normally wear. Gave me a chuckle.
Emotionally Charged Immunity
The good news is that while I’m not entirely immune from these emotionally charged responses, I can now intercept them before that can inflict much damage. As my emotional awareness increases and my labeling skills improve, I should be better able to anticipate and head off any knee jerk reactions.
I’ll be honest, it’s still hard work. In fact, maybe made harder because none of this comes naturally. It takes a concerted effort to not just react to things. Working through these emotional flashpoints is causing me more suffering in the immediate term, but far, far less long term. This mainly due to the inability of these poisonous emotions to gain any sort of toe hold in my consciousness. They arrive, they visit for a little while, and I let them go. Thus, they never overstay their welcome.
It’s a real gamechanger. As I approach 100 consecutive days of meditation, I’ve noticed there are no new resentments fomenting. Even better, many of the old entrenched resentments are beginning to melt away.
Lingering Resentment of Yesteryear
In complete transparency, there are many lingering resentments, embarrassments, and mistakes I still need to work through. But the good news is that this emotional cancer has not metastasized and is now in remission. The tumor has been stopped in its tracks, and now I must work to shrink it into oblivion.
I will do this by labeling The Judge who constantly reminds me of my foibles and understanding that the ‘me’ who did those things or the ‘me’ that was the Victim of others’ trespasses, is not the ‘me’ of today. Those events don’t define me. I recognize them, allow them, investigate them, and let them go. And each time I do this, the voice loses a little bit of power. Each day, it’s a little bit quieter.
“I’m on a Cleanse”
While I was perfectly behaved (alcohol and sugar wise) at the charity function last night, it was a little tough. The not drinking part wasn’t too bad, it was the explaining to our friends part.
“I’m on a cleanse,” I found myself repeating over and over again, before joking, “I’m trying to lose the Covid 19 that became the Covid 38 (pounds).”
This explanation isn’t entirely untrue, but what I didn’t say was, “I’m struggling with a potential drinking problem and I’m using daily meditation practice and periodic abstinence in an effort to get it under control. Because, you see, I don’t want to stop drinking entirely, but I also don’t want to become an alcoholic. And if I don’t do something, that’s precisely where I’m heading.”
Yeah, “I’m on a cleanse” sounds way better.
“I want to lose weight” works much better at a social function where just about everybody is drinking like a fish. And, let’s face it, I’m not looking to be judged or rob others of their enjoyment. I’m dealing with my own shit. I don’t need to put it on them.
My intention today is a “Niner” and hope to hit a “Dozen” on this sobriety run. I’d go longer (I would have liked to finish out the month), but a very good friend has been saving a “beer, cheese, and chocolate” taster kit that his company gave him to share with me, specifically. He invited me over to watch Thursday Night Football and try it with him.
It’ll be an interesting test. I figure as long as I stick to the tasters, it’ll be alright. Afterall, the point of this whole journey is to find the middle way. It’s to determine whether I can drink with mindfulness or need to quit entirely. This will be a good litmus test.
