Journaling is an activity, hobby if you’d like to call it that, which has come in and out of my life since high school. Back then my idea of journaling was writing poetry. It was a literary form I really connected with as it truly fit the zeitgeist of the ’70s, ’80s, and ’90s lyrical music I listened to (think Led Zeppelin or Smashing Pumpkins). I felt I could explore my inner world and express myself well through this medium.
I write because I don’t know what I think until I read what I say.
– Flannery O’Connor
In the years since graduating from college, I journaled here and there. I’d run out and buy a nice high end leather bound journal, write 6-10 pages, and soon forget about it in a drawer.
In my late 40’s, I rediscovered journaling with my youngest daughter. She and I created a wonderful world of imaginary play she called “The 500 Acre Wood” in honor of both Winnie the Pooh and the much larger woods we had to play in. As covid started, I bought a journal and began capturing the world we were creating. After nearly three years, I’ve filled three journals with hundreds of entries, drawings, and memories. I hope one day when she’s older, she’ll come to cherish these journals as I do now.
When I began my Sobriety Journey, I really didn’t gain any traction until I developed the habit of daily journaling. Writing and reflecting on my progress (or lack thereof in some cases) grew into a powerful force to keep me on track and moving forward. Taking those entries and transposing them into ReturnOnSobriety, gives them even more weight as I am able to reflect on how far I’ve come.
I hope you’ll read on and discover how daily journaling has helped reshape my relationship with alcohol.
1. Journaling is the Judge and the Jury
I revisited journaling on August 8, 2022. This was nearly two months after I began daily meditation practice and three weeks after my last rendezvous with marijuana. I had just read about the importance of journaling in The Gap and The Gain and since my 500 Acre Wood writing had eased up a bit, I figured I could squeeze some additional writing into my busy day.
What I soon found was that having to actually write things down brought with it a whole new level of accountability. If I had previously written that I wanted achieve a “Twice Lucky“, and I had thoughts of buying some beer along the way, I suddenly had second thoughts. I didn’t want to face my journal having written one thing and gone and done another. It exposed my habit of lying to myself about my use disorder in technicolor!
Additionally, everytime I tack on another cannabis free day (today is C: 114) I don’t want to see the chain broken. The thought of having to start again at zero so deflating. The same is true of my weight. While things haven’t gone as quickly as I would like in this regard, I’m still ~25 pounds lighter than where I started. And that brings me to #2.
2. Measuring the Gain
Now that I’m 3/4 of the way through my second sobriety journal, it’s quite interesting to go back and look at how far I’ve come. As I mentioned above, I’m 25 pounds lighter and 4 inches thinner. I went from doing 30 ‘knee pushups’ in 3 sets to 70 actual pushups in 3 sets (along with 50 crunches, 30 curls, and a whole yoga routine).
When it comes to drinking, I can measure ever longer spans of sobriety. And when I do drink it’s gone from 7-9 drinks down to 3-5 drinks on average. Whereas previously I was drinking (and smoking pot) 72% of the time, now I’m only drinking 13.2% of the time, and when I drink I drink 50% less. I also no longer drink to get drunk, and that’s a big change. And as I mentioned above, I’ve had no pot of any kind in 114 straight days.
Is this perfect? Far from it, but my journey is (yours may be different) to find a Middle Way with alcohol, not necessarily to quit entirely. Of course, I am open to that possibility if there turns out to be no Middle Way, but with the improvements I’m measuring and more to come, I feel progress is happening. My relationship with alcohol has changed dramatically in a few short months, that’s undisputable.
With journaling, you are measuring the gain, and by doing so, you get out of the gap.
3. Letting It Go
In addition to keeping me honest and measuring my progress, journaling is an excellent way to let things go. The act of writing, itself, is so cathartic. Whenever I finish my daily journaling I feel lighter, clearer. Obsessive thoughts that would otherwise hound me throughout the day are given voice and put to rest with pen and paper. My past indiscretions & mistakes are left where they belong – in the past.
Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart.
– William Wordsworth
I write things down and then I let them go. Because I’ve captured them on paper, I can always come back and review these thoughts, contemplations, and emotions later. And I often do through the process of transcribing them into this blog. There’s much growth to be found in this exercise. I review and re-release any lingering residue.
It’s so interesting to see how many “urgent” emotions are wiped away by the passage of time. And it really doesn’t take much time either! Things that seem so important in the moment are soon rendered irrelevant. I’m often impressed by how many of these “urgent” items I’ve forgotten totally until I revisit them in my journal. Then I feel grateful to have released them onto paper rather than have each nip at my heels and plague my days. Would be foolish to let trifling, fleeting urgency dog us at every turn, especially if that urgency is a craving related to servicing an alcohol or drug addiction.
Final Thoughts on Journaling Supplies
You don’t need to buy expensive leather wrapped journals and calligraphy pens to get started. The journals I prefer to use are at the top of the page. They are good quality, easy to hold, don’t bleed through the page. My favorite pens are made by Pilot. They are the G2 premium gel roller pens. I like these for two reasons. First, I tend to change ink color from day to day and this set has ample options. This helps me better separate entries when I’m reading, reviewing, and transcribing. Second, these pens just write really, really well. Very smooth and even. Of course, you don’t need to buy anything to get started. All you need is an old notebook or some printer paper and pencil.
Happy Journaling!
