I hit a new lower low this morning. While I expect to hit another set point here short (based on past experience, likely the stubborn 205 set point) my progress over the past several days has been highly encouraging. I know my inner child (coming up later) is very excited by the weight loss acceleration! It’s likely a result of rebuilding muscle combined with Plant Paradox discipline.
Zero + ; Sixer ; M: 116 ; C: 79 ; P/U: 50 ; W : 5 mi
Health R.O.S.
- Weight: 208.6
- BMI: 28.2
- Fat %: 21.6
Sitting with my Inner Child
During my morning meditation, I opted to add a second guided meditation from Lojong in an effort to go deeper. This second meditation focused on sitting with my inner child.
We’ve all heard theories about this repressed inner child living deep inside of us, having an outsized influence on our adult lives. But is it really in there? If so, what, if any, impact is it really having?
In Ordinary Wonder, Charlotte Joko Beck describes the concept of the inner child as the genesis and keeper of our core beliefs. Core beliefs are defense mechanisms that we develop as children as survival strategies to deal with the challenges inherent in the world around us. According to Beck, we carry these well into adulthood, and they are a major factor in our happiness or lack thereof.
In this particular meditation, you invite your inner child to sit down with you and proceed to ask for its forgiveness for ignoring it all these years. You offer this child love and assurances that everything is going to be okay. You also forgive your inner child for its mistakes, embarrassments, and transgressions. After all, it didn’t know any better. When those things happened, you were just an innocent child.
Visitations
A few minutes in to this inner child meditation, I felt a tear emerging from the corner of my right eye. There was also a distinct tension in my right hip and leg. As I used my breathing exercises to relieve this tension, I was suddenly visited by a progression of departed relatives. This began with a recently departed uncle. After my uncle came my dad (who died of cancer 2 years ago), another uncle, both sets of grandparents, and finally my mother-in-law (who sadly also passed from cancer, five years ago).
As they appeared in the mental space occupied by me and my inner child, each said nothing. But they gave me a hug and a loving look before vanishing. As each hugged me, I expressed my thanks for all they did for me while they were alive despite whatever personal struggles they faced.
At this point, it was as though a door opened in my consciousness. Out poured a flood of repressed emotions: love, loss, anguish, anger… Tears ran down both cheeks as an intense heaviness washed over me like a rogue wave and was swept away.
Inner Child Intensity
To date, this is by far the most intense meditation experience yet. But rather than leaving me drained, I actually felt much lighter. Much lighter, in fact, than I’ve felt in a very long time. I was left not only lighter, but deeply inspired and loved.
During my yoga stretches, I couldn’t help but to think of Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol. Though my experience was a lot different from Scrooge’s, it goes without saying that he and I were both left transformed by the visiting spirits.
My inner child opened a door through which ushered forth healing, healing for my soul. Healing and liberation from the repressive affliction of heavy gray area drinking bordering on alcoholism. An affliction that was present throughout the loss of many of my loved ones, creating a numbing fog that had since enshrouded my heart.
The feeling I experienced this morning trumps any artificial high I’ve ever felt. And it has a lasting and permanent quality to it. I sense a real shift underway. The rewiring of my mind made a huge new connection today!
The cry we hear from deep in our hearts, comes from the wounded child within. Healing this inner child’s pain is the key to transforming anger, sadness, and fear.
– Thich Nhat Hanh
