Breaking through Sunday Night without drinking looks so much more critical from the vantage point of Tuesday evening. As I write this, I’m on the verge of a Dime, having made it past a few fleeting thoughts of drinking beer throughout the day. My inner closet pothead, however, has been dry now for 82 days, and with nary a thought!!
Zero+ ; Niner ; M: 119 ; C: 82 ; P/U: 50 ; W : 5 mi
Impermanence & Transformation
I spent a lot of time today contemplating impermanence, specifically how one might use impermanence to empower personal transformation. Granted, so much of impermanence is outside of our control, like 99.999999999999999999999999% of if. But that should not discourage us, because that which we can influence, that seemingly infinitesimally tiny slice of the universe that is each of us, can have a dramatic impact on our life outcomes.
Let’s look at my weight as an example. In June, when I began my sobriety journey, I was somewhere around 230 pounds and smoking pot daily. At that point in time, the impermanent state of my body’s weight was trending up. If I didn’t take action to change this, I’d likely be knocking on 240 by now. Instead, I took advantage of impermanence to reverse course. As a result, I’m 21 pounds lighter rather than 10 pounds heavier.
My ultimate goal is to be 20-25 pounds lighter than I am right now. In other words, I see 209 as much as an impermanent state as I once saw 230. When the day finally arrives when I achieve my ideal weight, I am aware that this too will be an impermanent state. Even with a focused maintenance regimen, my weight will continue to fluctuate with a range.
No Longer a Closet Pothead
Similarly, I was a closet pothead for the better part of two decades. While I was in the throws of my marijuana addiction, my daily pot smoking habit, reinforced over many years, took on an aspect of permanence. In other words, I never saw it changing.
Yet, after 35 days of daily meditation, I stopped smoking pot cold turkey. Now the daily habit of not smoking pot continually reinforces itself as I’m cruising past 82 days, building this new, healthier habit.
I was a pothead, not I’m not. What appeared to be a permanent state proved to be impermanent after all. Yet I’m fully aware of how easily my newfound pot sobriety could revert back to full pothead mode if I allowed it to.
Everything in life is impermanent. Old mental & physical states, new mental and physical states.
A Pothead Wearing Many Hats
Even when I was a closet pothead, I was a lot of other things simultaneously, and continue to be. I’m a father, husband, brother, son, uncle, nephew, executive, blogger, guitarist, homeowner, consumer, voter, football fan, handyman, citizen, voter, gardener, etc, etc, etc…
I’m all of these things, and more, until I’m not. The ‘not’ will happen gradually or all at once (say I suddenly kick the bucket), but the ‘not’ is inevitable.
Even when I’m one of these identities, I’m never all of them at once. Life is like that. You shift seamlessly from one identity to another and back again as circumstances demand. When you’re at work you’re an employee, manager, etc and when you’re at home you morph into a parent, spouse, child, etc.
Impermanence & Identity Labels
As I ponder impermanence as a tool of change (pothead to pot free & obese to overweight to fit) I’m really digging into labels and labeling.
Because of my family’s long history of alcoholism, I’ve been to my fair share of A.A. meetings. If you’ve ever been to one, you know that folks take turns sharing their stories and struggles with alcohol and addiction. In every case, the person speaking always begins with, “My name is ________________, and I’m an alcoholic.” The room responds with: “Hi, ___________________,” and the sharing ensues.
I never really gave this too much thought before other than thinking “good for them for admitting they have a problem and seeking help.” But now, I suddenly find this statement curious.
I am an Alcoholic, pothead, addict
I am an alcoholic is spoken as an admission, a statement of fact. It implies a permanent state of being. At the time you say it, that is who you are. The more you say it, the more permanent it becomes. I wonder if I had continued to identify as a pothead if my daily struggle would be any easier, the same, or harder.
I find it interesting that the mantra never changes to “My name is ____________________, and I’m sober.” Of course, those in AA often share how long they’ve been sober and earn chips based on sobriety length, but regardless of how long they’ve been sober, they permanently identify as alcoholics.
Please don’t misunderstand me here. I believe AA is a highly effective 12 step program for dealing with alcoholism and addiction. I’ve seen it’s power up close and personal. I know it works. And I’m considering attending some meetings myself in the near future. In fact, it’s possible that so much of its personal impact derives from your surrendering to this permanent state of alcoholism. Hey, if it works for you, do it! I’m not saying it’s bad, just curious.
It may be that alcoholism, due to its being rooting in biology for some, is a permanent state while being a pothead is not. In my case, my extreme gray area drinking (bordering on use disorder) was the result of decades of binge drinking on weekends followed by good behavior during the week. Eventually, the boundaries between weekdays and weekends blurred until I was drinking 6-10 beers 5+ nights a week.
Impermanent binge drinking weekends were becoming a permanent daily affair, but it took a long time. My brother, on the other hand, was a full blown alcoholic by 20 and in recovery by 25. Two very different paths, one fast & one slow, leading to the same place.
The Power of Impermanence
What’s occured to me in all this thinking today is that when left to its own devices, impermanence creates negative feedback loops, but if you use impermanence to your advantage, the inverse is true.
Rather than gain weight, you lose it. Rather than wallow in ignorance and self pity, you are enlightened. And rather than remain weak, you grow strong. You stop being an addict, you sober up.
You eat less, drink less, and make better decisions because you live in the space that mindfulness creates between thought and action. In that space, you are empowered to turn impermanence from enemy to ally. If something is holding you back, weighing you down, or negatively impacting your life, you make it impermanent by first creating separation and then by taking action to make it impermanent.
You take power away from the things you don’t like about yourself and your life and create a new reality of positive impermanence. One of virtuous cycling instead of one of being caught in a negative feedback loop.
Both of these conditions (virtuous and negative) move almost imperceptibly, each working to create its own reality. The resulting reality either works for you or against you. I’ve chosen to embrace impermanence to my advantage wherever and whenever possible. I’m no longer a pothead and I’m no longer obese. Soon, I’ll be fit. What will you decide to do?
If you don’t like the weather, wait a minute.
– Old New England Folk Saying
