My daughter and my dinner plans were thwarted last evening when we arrived at our favorite pizza place only to discover it was closed. And on a Saturday night! Stubborn mountain staffing shortages I hope and not an out of business scenario. Anyway, we eventually found ourselves at the local sports tavern where I ended up drinking a couple pints of beers. Two Stone IPAs from the tap to be precise.
1(4) ; None ; M: 138 ; C: 101 ; P/U: 60 ; W : 2 mi
Mountains – no weigh in
The tavern was packed, but we managed to secure a table by the window. Within ten minutes of our arrival, there was a line out the door. There were only two waitresses serving the entire restaurant. And these poor ladies didn’t have any bussers helping out. They were valiantly and somewhat miraculously staying on top of their tables. It was impressive to witness.
While I wasn’t planning on drinking beer (or anything else) last night, the taps were too tempting. On top of that, the long wait for our food and check allowed me to fit in two pints. Our waitress, despite the absolute insanity of her workload, had a pleasantness about her and somehow remained in good spirits in spite of her outsized chaotic workload. Feeling wowed by her herculean efforts, I decided to leave her a 50% tip. Hell, she earned it!
Drinking Sinks a Baker’s Dozen
We had to stop at the grocery store on the way home to pick up a few things. So, I ended up buying two more IPAs to enjoy in front of the fire. I ended up drinking these four beers over the course of four hours and with a healthy amount of food in my tummy. As a result, I didn’t get buzzed at all and ended up sleeping just fine.
Better yet, there is no hangover or other repercussions this morning.
Now I keep these Non-alcoholic beers in the fridge to lessen the drinking temptation
Today, of course, would have been a ‘Baker’s Dozen‘, but honestly, I’m okay with drinking a few beers a couple times a month. The whole point of my sobriety journey is to redefine my relationship with alcohol and find if a ‘middle way‘ exists.
Gray Area Drinking
I recently read an article covering a topic with which I wasn’t familiar: ‘gray area‘ drinking. According to Psychology Today:
Gray area drinkers do not have a physical dependency on alcohol; they drink because they want to, not to avoid withdrawal symptoms. They don’t identify as having alcohol use disorder, so they wouldn’t be comfortable in an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting, and they can stop anytime they want to.
Dana Golden NCFAD, NCRC, Interventionist
This concept really resonated with how I see my drinking and how I hope to remake my relationship with alcohol. I don’t wish to be perfectly or permanently abstinent, nor do I aspire to become an alcoholic (which is where I was most certainly heading). I just need to become someone who drinks less and less often.
Upon I finishing my fourth IPA of the evening, I was 100% good. Despite having several whiskey and vodka options available, I did not continue drinking. I believe an alcoholic would have. They would not have had the control to stop as I did. I few months ago, I would have tacked on a few more drinks for good measure. Last night, I did not and had zero desire to do so.
Skating Along The Gray Area’s Razor Edge
While I don’t ever see myself smoking pot again, I can’t currently see myself never drinking again. Of course, when I started my sobriety journey, I never aimed to quit smoking pot. The whole point was to bring a dangerously spiraling drinking habit under control. Yet, pot quit me 101 days ago. Maybe alcohol does the same at some point in the future. That remains to be seen, and if it happens, that’ll be fine by me.
If my attempts to moderate my drinking with mindfulness and meditation fail, then I know I will have to quit entirely. And I’m okay with that result if my journey leads me there. But as of today, I no longer feel that I’m skating along the razor’s edge of gray area alcoholism. Instead, I’ve pivoted back to a much more responsible level.
Please don’t misunderstand me, I am quite aware that I’ll need to keep a close eye on my drinking. If I ever feel I’m back on the slippery slope, I’ll double down. But honestly, last night’s beer drinking felt okay to me. In fact, it’s the first time drinking has felt that way in quite a long time.
Drinkie was Truant
So, why did drinking last night feel okay? First of all, Drinkie was truant, absent, not present at all. How do I know this?
- Drinking was not an activity in and of itself.
- At no point in time did I seek a ‘higher buzz’ (aka – drunkeness)
- I was able to stop without any issue whatsoever. Drinkie’s voice wasn’t there to coax me on.
- Drinking was not premeditated. It just happened by circumstance
I’ve learned throughout this journey that I can be sober and drink beer on occasion. The important thing is that I don’t allow myself to get buzzed to the point of wanting to get drunk. That requires mindfulness and pacing (and drinking on a full stomach). I’ve also learned that just because I’m attending a social event or gathering doesn’t mean I have to drink. Recently, I’ve skipped drinking at several of events. It felt fine and natural to me after the first couple.
Better, I’ve reduced my drinking from 5+ nights a week and 5-9 beers per sitting to 1-2 nights a month and 2-4 beers per sitting. But I must still be vigilant.
Warning Signs
If I’m to remain mindful of my alcohol intake, I must have some rules of the road, warning signs, if you will, that alert me when I’m veering off track. These will be:
- Drinking as an activity
- Drinking to get drunk or to suppress negative emotions
- Drinking on consecutive days
- Drinking more than twice a month and/or more than four beers in a sitting
- Planning my life around drinking
- Drinking because Drinkie convinced me too (probably for one of the first 5 reasons above)
Breaching any one of this rules will require me to take a hard look at my behavior and adjust accordingly (whatever that means given the circumstances).
If there is a middle way in regards to imbibing, a place far closer to abstinence than alcoholism, it will be found in my adherence to a set of rules like those above. Of course, for alcoholics there will never be a middle way, but for many gray area drinkers like me or those who are sober curious, there may.
Just another day…
