My weight is holding incredibly steady and I’ll take it. As I’ve mentioned several times of late, it’s better my weight going up. I understand that 205 pounds, historically, is a particularly pernicious set point for me. I’m also coming to accept that I may not be able to hit 199 by Thanksgiving, which is rapidly approaching. In fact, I’m realistic now that I may not reach my ultimate goal of 183 until February or even March of 2023. Certainly not at my current rate. While being stuck feels uncomfortable, I need to be comfortable with its impermanent nature and know that gradual down is superior than gradual up, at least where my weight is concerned.
Zero+ ; Niner ; M: 159 ; C: 121 ; P/U: 75 ; W: 4 mi
Health R.O.S.
- Weight: 205.1
- BMI: 27.8
- Fat %: 21.1
- Water %: 57.5
Getting Comfortable With Being Uncomfortable
Thoughts during my morning meditation and hike centered around the idea of learning to get comfortable with being uncomfortable, letting go of something (drinking) that won’t let go of me, and recurring instances of Pavlov’s Dog in the presence of pot and alcohol.
Let’s begin with the whole comfortable with being uncomfortable thing. Whether you are pushing your physical limits with a good workout, your mental limits with a tricky puzzle or riddle, or your emotional and addiction limits by foregoing that much desired beer or bong hit to take the edge off a stressful day, discomfort encourages growth.
When I was a kid, the big saying in athletic circles was ‘no pain, no gain.” and “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” Now, I’ll admit these sound a bit extreme these days, but there’s some truth to these age old sayings and others like them.
The simple fact is that when you are too comfortable and don’t challenge yourself, you languish. You get ‘soft’ physically and mentally. Muscles don’t grow unless you tear them a little during your workout (that’s why you feel sore, well, that, and lactic acid). Neurons grow and rewire themselves in response to mental stimulation.
I guess the point of me writing about this today is to acknowledge that I need to push myself a little harder both in terms of my sobriety goals and weight loss goals. I’m going to need to make myself a bit more uncomfortable in order to get there. Otherwise, I’ll remain stalled out or, worse, lose hard won ground.
Letting Go
On the second topic of letting go, I still spend a lot of time reflecting on the phenomenon of marijuana quitting me rather than the other way around. Well, it goes without saying that it’s a hell of a lot easier to quit a bad habit if it quits you first!
The difference between pot and alcohol (Smokie and Drinkie) is that alcohol does not seem to want to leave of its own accord. Alcohol won’t quit me, at least not yet. It’s putting up a fight and will not go quietly into that good night. It is determined that I be uncomfortable. But I know that it is through this discomfort that I will be able to grow to a place where I can have a healthy relationship with alcohol.
Marijuana was strangely easy, maybe a little too easy. Hence my constant reflection. Understanding what is at work here is of utmost interest to me. Though it’s possible I may never know for sure.
Pavlov’s Dogs’ Tremendous Grip
And finally to number three. A very telling sign that both vices retain a deep visceral hold over me is the continued Pavlovian response each continues to elicit from me.
For example, when we were at Red Robin yesterday, I noticed my mouth begin to water when the gentleman sitting at the table next to us asked his server about the beer selection. Later yesterday evening, I experienced a recurrence while visiting a friend to watch football. At one point, he told me a story of a recent trip to Northern California that involved going to dispensaries and smoking lots of weed. On cue, my mouth started watering.
My awareness of these involuntary physical responses to pot and alcohol stimuli are instructive. They help me to gauge where I’m at in relation to my ultimate liberation. In both of yesterday’s occurrences, my salivating was less noticeable than previously. In fact, in each case my watering mouth was barely perceptible.
I credit mindfulness with my being so highly attuned to my body. As a result of being hyper tuned in, I’m able to notice and process very subtle mental and physical responses to thoughts and emotions. Noticing is the first thing we do in RAIN – we recognize. If we fail to recognize, we don’t have any ability to make decisions. We operate on autopilot. There are no further decisions necessary because the decision has already been made for us by default.
And being a slave to your habits is no way to live.
