Something interesting occured to me yesterday after I finished meditating. I realized that my abandonment of the ‘Thrice Lucky’ at the 99.4% mark was the fundamental equivalent of a football team losing the Big Game with a mere 21.6 seconds left in regulation. They somehow, to the shock of everyone sitting in the stands, blow the lead and the game as the final seconds tick off the clock.
Zero ; Single ; M: 172 ; C: 134 ; P/U: Rest ; W: 4 mi
No Weigh In – Mountains
Man Did I Blow It
I know I concluded yesterday’s journal entry by writing that I’d leave my embarrassing failure in the past after taking a valuable lesson away from it, and I will. But only in recasting my 99.4% near miss in terms of blowing the big game have I begun to appreciate the gravity of this lesson.
In coming so close only to have to start again at square one is humbling. I am confident such a mistake will provide solid reinforcement next time I’m on the cusp of hitting an important milestone.
The crappy, exhausted, lethargic, and somewhat depressed state I found myself in all day yesterday was a solid reminder of why I begin my sobriety journey in the first place. More importantly, the utter collapse of my resolve the night before last drives home the importance of why I must continue on.
Binge Drink Much?
Before two nights ago, I hadn’t binge drank in months. And man, oh man, did I feel it afterward! I have to admit, it totally was NOT worth it.
So, while I had originally planned to have a few drinks yesterday, and was offered them multiple times throughout the day, I was done. Beer held less than zero appeal for me and continues to as I write this.
There is no shame in beginning again, for you get a chance to build bigger and better than before.
– Sobriety Quotes
Even if I wanted to have a drink yesterday, I must strictly adhere to the rules I set up that govern drinking frequency. And one of the biggies is: No drinking on consecutive days. Plus, I didn’t want to have to reset the clock yet again and heap additional guilt and shame on top of that which I was already feeling.
Smoke Pot Much?
Drag-assing through the day eventually found me at my in-laws hotel suite. No sooner had I walked through the door than did my brother-in-law state, “We’re going to need to run out and get some more beer,” as he opened the mini fridge and offered me one.
The scent of marijuana encircled him as walked about the room.
I sat down at the dining table and within moments of doing so, my father-in-law surreptitiously passed me his vape pen. In that instant, I felt that all too familiar Pavlovian sensation in my mouth. But like so many recent run ins with marijuana, it was ever so slight and vanished quickly.
When I declined the vape pen, for like the tenth time this weekend, my father-in-law crinkled his face in disapproval and returned the pen to his shirt pocket. His look communicated something like: “When did you suddenly stop being fun?”
Dinner followed with wine and more weed, but I made my way through without much struggle. Feeling like sh*t certainlygoes a long way toward quelling any desire to drink. At least for me.
My pot abstinence now extends to 134 days and I’m not going to blow it now. Without pot constantly conspiring to further fuel my buzz, my binge drinking episode of two nights ago leaves me unfulfilled, underwhelmed, and utterly dissatisfied. It just wasn’t all that fun.
I’ll accept it as a crucial victory. This is precisely what Drinkie and I needed to experience together. We needed to see in the cold light of day that, when it comes to binge drinking, there’s no longer any there, there.
In fact, it’s quite clear to me now, there never was.
And, by the way, we never did get around to ‘running out’ to get more beer.
