Meditating On The Power of Expectation

We live in a world of expectation. We have expectations of others and they of us. Why wouldn’t we expect to wake up tomorrow morning, just as we have each and every morning up until now. And of course, we expect our children will listen to us, our fast food will be hot, and our lattes will be made to perfection.

But when our expectations are dashed, we are left irritated, deflated, and otherwise glum. And everyone within earshot gets to hear about how the barista screwed up our White Chocolate Macadamia Cream Mochaccino. Life can be so hard…

And if it weren’t enough to deal with all the trouble expectations cause us when they don’t materialize as we wish, these buggers are shape shifters that can take on any number of forms.

For example, assumptions. Assumptions are really just expectations, but with an added twist – there is a communication breakdown. We assume someone will do something, but there is no communicate concerning it. We then have the audacity to be shocked when whatever that something is doesn’t materialize.

Assumptions are different from another type of expectation, the presumption. This is a variation on assumption where there is a basis for the expectation based on past evidence or a probability. Such as, I presumed he be home from work by now since he usually gets off at 5pm.

Then there’s supposition, presupposition, conjecture, prediction, forecast, anticipation, reckoning, assurance, and hope, to name a few.

What all of these expectations have in common is some preconceived notion of how things are going to turn out – in the future.

The problem, you see, is that the future doesn’t exist. The future you expect will happen is only a mental projection – nothing more. What makes expectation and all of its siblings so treacherous is not the expectation itself, but your attachment to it.

We become emotionally wrapped around the expectation axle. All that anticipation takes our emotions hostage because anticipation is nothing more than emotionally charged expectation. Plain and simple.

And when anticipation turns against us, it can be quite crippling. Think of a time when you had to have a difficult or confrontational discussion with someone – a customer, parent, teacher, boss, employee…

There isn’t just the anticipation of that tough conversation, but also of the millions of various routes it might take and outcomes that could unfold. You run tape over and over in your head. And the more you do, the more worked up you get.

Having that conversation grow ever more difficult with each escalating scenario.

Then you finally bite the bullet and tackle that dreaded conversation. And it’s rarely ever as bad as you imagine. In this example, your expectation not being met is a source of relief. Unfortunately, you still had to navigate all of the stress and anxiety resulting from your mental projections ahead of time.

You suffered unnecessarily and you, not the conversation, were the cause of that suffering.

So, you see, expectation cuts both ways. When your flight to Maui is cancelled, you’re crushed. When that dark spot on the x-ray comes back benign, you’re elated!

Why do salespeople have such a hard time making cold calls? They are anticipating a ‘No’. Yet, once they understand that each ‘No’ is one ‘No’ closer to a ‘Yes’, cold calling becomes a numbers game. Now they are calling with the presumption of a ‘No’ and the possibility of a ‘Yes’. With this simple shift in perspective, we’ve now arrived at hope. And hope is an incredibly powerful and motivating projection full of possibility.

And that’s all the future really is. It lies within the realm of possibility. There’s what we expect will happen, and then there’s what actually happens. Often these are closely aligned, but our attachment to the outcome determines how we will react when our plans go awry.

Because, as the old saying goes: You can’t control what happens to you, but you can control how you react to what happens to you. (see my blog on the RAIN principle)

Thus, by accepting that the future is nothing more than a realm of possibility and accepting whatever eventuality we encounter when we arrive there, we are relieved of the burden of an emotionally charged outcome. We can finally live presently.

Acceptance is not surrender. I don’t mean to infer that if your flight is cancelled, you should cancel your trip. I simply ask you to accept that your flight has been cancelled. Now you may proceed to find a new one. In the process you get to skip the frustration, anger, and stress of attachment.

Instead, you will choose to make the most of this adversity. You might even find the gifts in it. Sure, a canceled flight is inconvenient, but it doesn’t have to ruin your day. Just remember, there were people who missed boarding American Airlines flight 11 on 9/11.

So, you just never know how it’s going to turn out.

When my daughter and I experienced a five-hour delay recently at LAX, I said, “This is a great opportunity to hit our step count!” We then proceeded to walk around the gigantic terminal, did some shopping, grabbed a leisurely lunch, and sat in some massage chairs for a while. Before we knew it, we were boarded (with upgraded seats!) and on our way.

Sure, it wasn’t the most convenient experience, but spending an extra five hours with my daughter before she went off to college was priceless.

Of course, I could have been all angry and put-out, but what fun is that? What good does it do? I’m not getting to my destination any faster, only grumpier. And nobody wants that!

So, next time your expectations are dashed, your anticipations crushed, or your assumptions unmet, remember, they were never reality in the first place. They were merely mental projections of one possible future amidst many. Wherever you are is where you find yourself. Like it or not. So, you may as well like it and make the best of it.

As the old Buddhist saying goes: “Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.” So the choice is yours.

And when you learn how to let go of your attachment to expectation, you’ll find things always work out for the best. How? Because you’ve chosen to make the best of the way things turn out. Meditate on this for a while.