Another 7/10 of a pound in the books. I expect to see this tick up again once the downward trend stalls out. Give a little, get a little. Of course, weight is a ‘range-y’ thing, but the goal remains the same: Lower highs and lower lows. Not sure if weight loss patterns and addiction patterns have much in common, but they do share one thing: good, bad, or indifferent, they have the tendency of sneaking up on you. Especially when you’re not paying attention!
Zero+; Triple ; M: 104 ; C: 67 ; P/U: 50 ; W : 3.5 mi
Health R.O.S.
- Weight: 211.2
- BMI: 28.6
- Fat %: 21.9
Addiction Trumps Opportunity
On this morning’s hike, I reflected on my historic choice patterns. I contemplated how many choices related to jobs, volunteer work, social circles, relationships, and opportunities in general were based on my ability to use alcohol or marijuana. More specifically, whether an opportunity threatened to prevent me from doing so.
In other words, on my hike, I examined the number of opportunities I forfeited based on whether they would impact my ability to get my buzz on. For example, if an opportunity, say civic volunteering, involved nights or weekends, I would quickly make up some excuse not to pursue it. Why? Subconsciously, I was afraid it might interfere with my ability to drink or smoke weed any particular evening.
The binary yes or no decision making pattern propagated by addictive behaviors most often resulted in a knee jerk reaction. And that reaction predominately favored the buzz.
But in an effort to remain present in my life and dispel negative thoughts, I do not wish to dwell on these lost opportunities. Moreover, I refuse to give voice to feelings of shame, guilt, or regret.
We can’t waste our time trying to make a better yesterday.
– Bill Gates
Use Disorder Got Its Hooks in Me
It’s powerful and liberating to finally acknowledge that alcohol and marijuana hooked my attention for so many years. To fully examine the destructive nature of addiction and its self motivation. Casting it out into the cold light of day was painful at first, but it was necessary to begin healing.
Even when I look at the opportunities I did pursue with relative success, I always managed to work my use disorder in. Of course, doing this often resulted in subpar work. I was operating in a near constant low energy brain fog. The results that followed were, well, not my best work. How could they be?
Yet somehow, I managed to fool most of folks. How else can I explain the consistent promotions? Why would anyone with knowledge of my addiction let me run their company or put me in charge of a large division? Well, that’s exactly what happened. I had become a master of appearances.
For heaven’s sake, looking back on all of this, I wonder what I could have accomplished had I not let drinking and smoking weed run my life. What might have been had I practiced ‘joyous exertion’ and applied my talents to their fullest? Well, it’s all water under the bridge now…
In all honesty, I’m quite grateful to have come to this realization. Better late than never! And the best news is that I have the opportunity to follow a new and better path. It’s a path free from addiction and choices dictated by it.
A Certain Lightness
Now that I’m out beyond 100 days of daily meditation and free from marijuana addiction for 67 days, I feel a certain lightness of being. Add to this a reduction in drinking from 5 of 7 days a week to 2 – 3 times a month, and drinking a third of what I used to in a sitting (e.g. not binge drinking).
Taken together, I’m experiencing a new engagement with life and in my relationships. I am so much happier and well rested. I’m getting healthier with each passing day. As I often write, there is still much to do, but with each new vista, the journey feel less like work and more like a gift. The exertion is becoming truly joyous. The journey is trumping the destination.
Go to the challenge. A unique, if unfair, aspect of our beautiful human condition is that if you avoid challenge, it will come anyhow, bringing with it severe and painful lessons. The more you try to dodge them or insulate yourself through the trappings of wealth, emotional armor, or numbing agents like alcohol, the harder the challenges become.
Mark Divine, Commander, U.S. Navy SEALs (retired) – The Way of The SEAL
