Yesterday I broke down at the gas station and bought a 3 pack of Budweiser tallboys. I was a hot, dry afternoon and I was really hankering for some cold beer. I was also thinking that a few beers might help me reconnect with my inner child that inhabits The 500 Acre Wood. Or perhaps I just need a big beer hug (pun intended).
1(3) ; Null ; M: 110 ; C: 73 ; P/U: 50 ; W : 2.5mi – No Weigh In (Mtns)
In addition to having a few beers, I went completely off the reservation so far as my Plant Paradox diet is concerned. I had pizza for lunch and potato chips & milk chocolate as snacks. My weigh in tomorrow morning should be interesting to say the least.
It’ll go one of two ways:
- I’ll lose weight by virtue my body thinking the famine’s over and releasing water
- I’ll have gained a couple of pounds
I can probably head some of the damage off by fasting this evening.
The Big Beer Hug
Back to the beer last evening. I’m really an IPA guy, and it had been a while since I drank Bud but it tasted better than I remembered. Being a much weaker beer than I’m used to drinking, it only provided a mild buzz and not the beer hug I was looking for. Just some more empty calories to throw on the pile!
Yet, despite the Bud being of low alcohol content, I still woke up with a mild headache after experiencing the worst night’s sleep I’ve had in some time. I think that between the beer and the poor dietary choices I managed to activate my body’s inflammatory response. This resulted in a sore lower back and achy joints that caused me to toss and turn all night.
Highly Emotional Again
Last evening brought a repeat of the highly charged emotional moments of the previous night. Even though my daughter and I had enjoyed a lovely day together, I had all these expectations regarding how the day would go. I hoped so much to recapture our old playing magic. When it didn’t work out the way I had built it up in my mind, I became quite sad, and was overwhelmed by waves of emotion.
At one point I picked up the teddy bears and gave them a big group hug. As I “bear hugged” the bears (and horse) I had a powerful moment of clarity.
I realized that The 500 Acre Wood saw she and I through the deaths of my father and mother-in-law (both from cancer & within 2.5 years of each other), a global covid pandemic, separation from my toxic employer, her entire elementary school, her broken arm, and a significant portion of my use disorder.
The 500 Acre Wood provided an escape, an alternate reality, into which she and I could disappear for entire weekends (or sometimes weeks) at a time. We even had an agreement that Covid was never to be mentioned while we were in The 500 Acre Wood. This was her idea. I’ve always honored it.
Tomorrow & Tomorrow & Tomorrow
She and I have spent nearly six years (more than half her life) in The 500 Acre Wood. It’s been our own personal Winnie the Pooh adventure – woods, teddy bears, hollow trees and all. I have to admit, it’s been one of the most fulfilling chapters of my entire life. A true blessing.
To put The 500 Acre Wood in perspective, this chapter of my life has lasted longer than:
- Middle School
- High School
- College
- Most of my jobs
- Many of my friendships
This period has comprised 12% of my 50 years on the planet. Most importantly, it’s provided a beautiful bonding experience for my daughter and me as we traversed some of life’s vicious curveballs.
Of course, this chapter’s impermanence, while anticipated by me for some time now, carries some extra gravity. Parting with it is made harder by the fact that covid extended my daughter’s childhood (via lockdown induced isolation) by several years and by extension The 500 Acre Wood and our mutual attachment to all it represents to us.
No Hug for the Hollowness of Alcohol
However sad I am to see my youngest growing up, I remain incredibly blessed to have created such a wonderful world of imagination with her. I hope its echoes remain with us both until the end of our days. I pray that someday this place will find new life with her children.
As I hugged those bears, that hug and the rush of all the loving memories of The 500 Acre Wood were a stark reminder of the hollowness of inebriation. Neither alcohol nor weed nor any other mind altering substance will reconnect me with an idealized past. Only by freeing and experiencing long suppressed emotions can I appreciate all that lies behind me, stands before me presently, or lives in a time and place yet to come.
This hug and the surging emotions it elicited stopped me at 3 beers and prevented me from hitting the whiskey bottle (the thought of which briefly crossed my mind since the beer was so weak). Times like these are where I truly experience the power of my daily meditation practice. I’m not only able to consciously pull the plug on drinking before I’ve gone too far, I am able to disassociate from addictive impulses and make better choices like spending more quality time with a loved one.
