I managed to do 5 no drinking days in a row. A truly fantastic five! I’m gonna call that a Nickel. While that nagging desire to stop and pickup beer after work was diminished, the alcoholic voice rode shotgun with me all the way home. It didn’t help that I was really exhausted, having woken up for the day at 4:21 am.
Something I’ve noticed on ‘0’ days, particularly when the urge to drink is especially strong, is that I’ll substitute sugary or greasy snacks for alcohol.
I suppose sugar substitution makes sense given that there’s a massive dopamine release whenever you eat sugar (read: The link between sugar and addiction). When you are moving away from one vice, it’s often tempting and easy to substitute in another you feel is less harmful. Of course, I don’t see this as a long term solution to alleviate my use disorder. Plus, eating, like drinking alcohol, when done without mindfulness, becomes an detrimental activity in its own right.
Often, on evenings when I’ve purchased a 12 pack or some tall boys, drinking beer is the activity. Sure other stuff can happen, but alcohol intake is the primary focus. All other activities are ancillary at best or play a supporting role at worst to the binge drinking event.
I think ‘drinking as a sport’ (as I like to call it) is what caused me to be concerned with the whole drinking thing initially. The “A-ha moment” finally came when I realized that drinking beer had become ‘the’ thing I was doing.
Drinking Becomes THE Activity
As drinking alcohol took primary focus, it began to supercede eating dinner. I would crack a beer open as I was walking in the garage after work. It was the first thing I did after parking the car in the driveway! Soon I’d be 3-5 beers in and realize I’d forgotten to eat. I really didn’t mind since I figured I was saving myself the extra calories and I could get a lot drunker a lot faster on an empty stomach. Win, win. Or so I mistakenly thought.
Whenever another activity interfered or threatened to interfere with my at home drinking nights, I became agitated, unless, of course, the activity in question included drinking. Concerts, going out to the bar, visiting friends who enjoyed throwing a couple back, or the like, were fine by me. Activities like school performances, having to stay sober to pick my kids up late at night, fancy theater shows, were less than desirable.
Is There a Drinking ‘Middle Way’?
I decided 65 days ago to “rewire my brain and rebuild my body”. The primary tool in my arsenal was, and continues to be, contemplative meditation. My theory (which may not work for some people) is that there is a ‘middle way’ that exists somewhere between drinking all the time and total abstinence. This assumes I’ve headed my addiction off before it bloomed into full fledged alcoholism, and there’s no guarantees there. Ultimately, what I’m trying to find out for myself is if it’s possible to drink responsibly on occasion without the nagging need to do so everyday and in excess.
So far, the biggest surprise for me since I began meditation has been the complete and utter cessation of my pot use. Sure, I wanted to cut back on drinking, but pot wasn’t on my radar. I didn’t see it as a problem (of course, it was). Unmistakably, though, after 2+ months of daily meditation (today is day #74) I have zero, none, no desire to use marijuana in any way whatsoever. I don’t want to smoke pot, eat it, vape it, or anything else. I rarely even think about it these days.
What’s more, there’s no fight, no ‘gee, I can’t wait until I can smoke a joint’. No nothing. Pot simply isn’t a part of my psyche. This is amazing considering I was a basically daily pot smoker for over two decades.
To be clear, I can’t say that I’ll never smoke pot again. Maybe there’s a middle way for pot, too. But, the way I see it, if there’s no desire, why create one? Why reintroduce a bad habit after it’s left me entirely? Doesn’t jive. As I’ve written previously, I wasn’t looking to quit pot, pot quit me. For this, I choose to be grateful and not invite it back into my life. Not now, and possibly never.
With that, tonight I may have a couple of beers with dinner. I may not. No drinking goal today, just curiosity. Let’s see where the evening takes me…
