Last evening I had a few beers, nothing major. When I got halfway through the fourth beer, I got up from the couch, walked to the kitchen, and poured the rest down the drain. Like last weekend, I was done. I simply didn’t want anymore. And there’s nothing to hate about that. It’s an encouraging pattern.
Even though I got a little buzzed, the beer mostly made me sleepy and I went to bed early. I didn’t sleep terribly, but not as good as usual. I woke up this morning with a minor, almost imperceptible, headache and dry mouth. And I hate cottonmouth. I’ve found that it doesn’t take much alcohol to dry you out and dehydrate your entire body. And I seem more sensitive to it now that I’m drinking so much less.
I used to think you had to get drunk to experience poor sleep and dry mouth, but I couldn’t have been more wrong. Sadly, I was so numb and so out of touch with my body back then. Anything other than a full blown hangover went essentially unnoticed.
Can’t Hate This New Drinking Pattern
I could say I love this new drinking pattern, but as I continue on in my sobriety journey, I’m finding I love drinking less and less. So, I’m going to flip it around and say I don’t hate it. In other words, it’s a huge improvement over where I was a few short months ago. But I feel I can do better. I’ll reserve the word ‘love’ for a time when I’ve been sober long enough to have earned it.
But, this new drinking pattern contains the aspect of the Middle Way. Something I’ve been searching for over the past 90 days. Of course, for many of you reading this blog, that may not sound like sobriety, and in the strictest sense, it isn’t. I fully admit that. But I’m currently working from a different premise, a modified definition of what it means to be sober. So, please don’t hate! We are all on our own path here.
My definition of sobriety is drinking on occasion. AND, when I do, not getting drunk, plastered, wasted, lit, or otherwise compromised and then hating myself for it later. I am searching for a Middle Way between complete abstinence and chronic binge drinking. Honestly, I’m not sure one exists. If that proves to be the case, then I am completely open to going whole hog with abstinence.
A Case For Optimism
It’s worth noting that I haven’t been ‘drunk’ or even close to it in months. Far from it. I simply don’t drink anywhere near as much in a sitting as I used to. Of late, my drinking patterns don’t even fit the definition of binge drinking – which the National Institute of Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism states is five or more drinks in two hours for a guy like me (four for the ladies).
Over the previous 40 days, I drank on just four occasions. That’s an average of once every ten days. Only on one of those did I consume more than five beers and it was over a period of about five hours. Over those four times, I averaged three beers. Considering there were days not that long ago when I’d polish off a 12 pack in a single sitting, that’s a major improvement.
One this 90th journal entry, I’ve not touched marijuana in 112 days. And I plan to keep it that way. I believe that removing weed from the equation really helps me keep a lid on the drinking because there’s a kinda cap on the buzz itself. Again, this is personal thing for me and your mileage may vary.
When I used to drink and smoke pot together, I found myself in the pattern of what I call ‘buzz chasing’, which is exactly what it sounds like. I know you get it.
Limits, Limits, Limits
What all this means is these days, I’m done somewhere between 2-4 beers. It helps that I’ve established a set of guidelines to keep me on track. Guidelines like only drinking on a full stomach, sipping beer slowly, never drinking on consecutive days, etc.
The whole strategy revolves around drinking less and less often. It involves ‘buzz avoidance’ so that when I have a drink, I never encourage the ‘drink to have a drink’. Because I don’t want the drink drinking me (paraphrasing The Great Gatsby).
A biggie here is that when I buy beer, I never buy more than a six pack. I often opt for four packs. That provides a hard limit on how much I can drink. I also keep a nice selection of non-alcoholic beers (my favorite is at the bottom of this page) on hand. This way I can alternate alcoholic beer and non-alcoholic beer. Sure, it’s a bit of drinking ‘sleight of hand’, but it works for me.
Having good tasting non-alcoholic IPAs in the fridge has been extremely helpful whenever I just want to have a beer. I’ll have one of those and it usually scratches the itch. As a bonus, these non-alcoholic IPAs average only 70 calories. Nothing to hate about that!
So, here I’ve arrived at the point where I no longer love drinking. And I don’t hate my new evolving relationship with alcohol, either. It’s fair to say I now have a love – hate relationship with drinking and sobriety. I do, however, love my marijuana sobriety. Maybe someday I’ll get there with alcohol.
I am optimistic that I’ll continue to improve and realistic that I’m probably going to F-up along the way. Hopefully less and less as time goes on.
Onward and upward.
