Day 6 – Even A Little is a Little Too Much…

After pulling a Nickel, last night I managed a 1(3B) – translated to 1 vice (in this case alcohol) with three units (beer). I had a pint of Stone IPA with dinner at the local sports bar and proceeded to stop at the grocery store to acquire two more IPAs to take home with me. The minor buzz I felt fell far short of the euphoria I’m often attempting to elicit with alcohol consumption. But I stopped well short of what might be considered binge drinking.

Some observations

• Buying two pints of beer versus a six or twelve pack is a good strategy to limit consumption
• Having those after eating a big dinner (burger with sweet potato fries), forced me to drink them slowly because I was already kinda full.
• Despite limiting myself to 3 beers in total, the quality of my sleep was still negatively impacted
• This morning I awoke groggier than I’ve been at any point in the past week
• My five day respite provided better perspective to observe the impacts of drinking, even drinking moderately, on my body and mind.

I performed a 15 minute meditation practice before I headed out to the sports bar. This helped me apply mindfulness to the act of drinking at the restaurant. As a result, I was able to have a single beer with dinner. Later at home, after my 3rd beer, I felt ‘done’. In other words, there wasn’t a drive to keep drinking. Which was kinda nice.

More importantly, I was never tempted to consume any marijuana even though I had a couple of pot gummies in my backpack. It seemed that mindfulness blunted my desire to seek an ever escalating buzz. What I mean by this statement is: I was good after a few beers, not needing to relax further (pot) or look for further ‘inspiration’ (an oft used term of mine to justify getting drunk).

I’d like to take a moment to reflect on the word ‘inspiration’. For many years, especially in the early days of daily pot use, I still experienced euphoria (the ‘high’) when I smoked. This pot euphoria was accompanied by insights and epiphanies (if one could call them that) that inspired creativity. I turned these insights into songs, poetry, art, and philosophy.

These inspirations encouraged my use during the early days. At some point, I began to believe I needed to put myself into an altered state in order to induce a creative mindset. Of course, this was patently false. It was a lie. Ironically, the euphoria itself faded away entirely after a few years (regardless of how much I smoked) and with it, the creative spark. After a certain point, there was only numbness.

Fleeting Marijuana Euphoria

Not to be deterred, I continued smoking ever more pot in pursuit of this fleeting euphoria. I did not realize how I had completely overwhelmed and dulled my endocannabinoid system. While I was clinically high, I never felt high anymore, just tired. Tired and numb.

Instead of finding euphoria, I found a spiraling use disorder that grew as the years passed. Covid 19 lockdowns threw gasoline on the fire. What had been a daily pot and a few times a week alcohol habit, became a nearly daily binge of both. I only took days off when the brutality of the hangover demanded it.

This destructive behavior brought with it little benefit and much suffering. My suffering mainly came from extreme sleep deprivation. I was becoming angry, bitter, and increasingly unpleasant to be around. My wife began to comment on my mood. Co-workers couldn’t help but to notice my unevenness.

Today’s goal is a ‘0’ day. I don’t want to drink two days in a row. Equally, I need to catch up on my sleep. I’d like to feel rested and alert tomorrow.