Before I quit for good in July 2022, I had been smoking pot for over 35 years and daily for almost 25 of those. As one might imagine, over all that time, I held many jobs. And many of these jobs required that I passed some kind of drug or pot sobriety test as a condition of employment.
Since I was a pothead living in a community of potheads, the subject of how to pass a pot sobriety test came up in conversation often. My buddy, who worked at Costco, had successfully avoided detection for years and had all kinds of great, albeit risky, advice (see below).
Yet, there was much practical advice to be had concerning pot sobriety tests and testing both from the experience my pot smoking associates and from the internet generally (like how you found this blog).
But in everything I read and heard, I discovered something important. That there are two things determining if you’ll successfully pass a pot sobriety test 100% of the time:
- Knowing your body
- The amount of time you have to prepare
Your Body & The Pot Sobriety Test
One of the most important things to understand before taking a marijuana, THC, or pot sobriety test is your own body.
It can take 2-4 weeks to fully expel all THC from the body, and if more THC is consumed in the meantime, there is cumulative THC build-up that the body is continuously trying to evacuate.
This is why we hear people say that they, “tested positive for THC weeks after they smoked or consumed marijuana.” These metabolites are being picked up in blood or urine tests.
Marijuana is Lipophilic – this means fat-soluble
– Medical Science
Most regular pot smokers facing pot sobriety tests know that THC and its metabolites hang around in your body for a period of time. This is because THC is lipophilic, or fat loving. As your body works to rid THC from your bloodstream, it does what it does with any lipophilic toxin, it stores it in your fat to neutralize it.
This is why you hear of people failing a pot sobriety test weeks or even months after they stop using marijuana.
So, if you came to this blog looking for a surefire way to beat a pot sobriety test because you just found out you have to take one tomorrow morning, I’m sorry, but you’re shit out of luck.
Your only hope at this point is to get a pot sober friend or family member to piss in a vial for you and pray you don’t get busted trying to sneak it into the testing center. Or, if you get past the initial pat down only to have neglected to keep the urine a body temperature (yes, they check for that, too), you fail the drug test anyway. Yet, this is how my Costco buddy has managed it for almost twenty years!
But, if you have a week or so, you have a chance to clean yourself out enough to pass a pot sobriety test. The trick is knowing your body.
How I Got To Know My Body
Let’s face it, we’re all different with different bodies, metabolisms, BMI (body mass index), body fat, etc. So there’s no magic bullet here. Even if you fail one test, knowing your body will help you to pass pot sobriety tests in the future.
This is my method. First, I ordered some home tests from Amazon. And I made sure to always have some on hand just in case. This is the test I personally used:
Before I get into the details of my method, it’s important to understand the goal, and that is this:
To calibrate how long it will take your body to get clean.
You don’t need to have an impending pot sobriety test on the calendar to take a couple of weeks to figure this out. For me the result was consistent despite my daily pot habit. It always took me precisely 12 days to pee clean. Yup, that’s right. 12 days.
A little about me, I’m a six foot tall male in my fifties with a BMI of 26 and a body fat percentage of 20. Why does this matter? Put plainly, if you are thin and fit, you have less fat to store THC, so you’re body will clean itself out faster than someone who is obese. I’m middle of the road, so I have a middle of the road result. You may take half that time or 3x as long to clean out. It really depends on your fitness level.
I read about an obese man who took 90 days before he could pass a pot sobriety test. 90 flipping days!! That’s a lot of fat storing a lot of THC. I once fantasized about rolling that guy up in a big doobie and smoking him.
What’s your number? To know that, you’ll need to test yourself.
The Process To Pass A Pot Sobriety Test
To keep it simple, I’m just going to list out all of the steps you’ll need to follow:
- Stop smoking pot immediately!!
- Take your first THC home test – yes, it’s positive, but that’s okay. This is your starting point.
- Stop eating sugar and exercise – the goal here is to burn some fat and release as much of the THC metabolite as possible over 3-5 days if you have enough time.
- Test every day
- Drink tons of water to continuously flush your kidneys
- Take a mild laxative like Swiss Kriss (per product label instructions). This will clean out your bowels so ‘cleansed’ compounds aren’t reabsorbed by your large intestine.
- Continue testing
- As your pot sobriety test approaches:
- Stop exercising (you now want to sequester fat)
- Reintroduce sugar (so you body moves from fat burning to fat storage)
- Continue to drink healthy amounts of water
- The night before the pot sobriety test drink extra water so you can do a big cleansing pee the morning of. You burn fat while you sleep, so you’ll want to flush your kidneys. Test at home to confirm.
Following this routine, I know that I can successfully pass a pot sobriety test in 12 days. Your own experience may differ dramatically from mine. Until you go through this process yourself, you’ll always be guessing. Know your number!
Fortunately for me, the drug testing always came with sufficient warning since it was attached to a new job. Thus, I would stop smoking pot as soon as the interviews progressed to the point where an offer was imminent. At that point, I would kick off the nine step routine above and hope I had 12 days before I was shipped off to the testing center. I was never an issue and I passed every time.
If you are subject to random pot sobriety tests, like my friend who works at Costco, my method won’t do you much good. But thankfully, his wife is willing to pee for him. And he’s an expert on sneaking the urine in and keeping it the right temperature. That’d stress the hell out of me, but he doesn’t seem to mind. Different strokes for different folks, I guess.
My Personal Pot Sobriety Test
Over the 25 years leading up to 2022, I only quit pot if there was a threat of a test. My longest stretch was in 2015/2016 when I was interviewing for a C-suite job. The company had mandatory drug testing. Or so I thought. I stopped smoking pot for 5 months only to discover executives were exempt. (not fair, right?)
Of course, what did I do the moment I discovered this? I began smoking like a chimney to make up for lost time. Years later, the advent of covid saw the introduction of Drinkie who took my alcohol misuse to a whole new level. My frequent binge drinking and pot smoking conspired to make me fat, tired, unhealthy, and unmotivated.
In June 2022, I decided to do something about it. I took up meditation. After six or so weeks, one day I emptied my pot stash and tossed it all over the back fence. Crazy right? Not really, because I never intended to quit smoking pot. Rather, pot quit me. That day, my pot addiction switched off and my pot sobriety switched on. Just like a light.
Now, I never have to worry about a pot sobriety test ever again, because I know I’ll pee clean. No worries. No problem.
And the craziest thing? After over 35 years of smoking pot, I don’t miss it one bit. I never thought I’d say that, but it’s true. Even when I’m around my wife’s family or my toking friends, I can’t be bothered. I literally have no interest. Better yet, I don’t begrudge them (or you) for enjoying it. Hell, I enjoyed more than my fair share of marijuana over the decades. But there was something about meditation that supplanted it. I don’t understand it, but I don’t have to. It worked. That’s all that matters to me.
And I never have to worry about a pot sobriety test ever again.
Pot Exits And In Enters…
The reason why I’m completely done with pot has to do with everything I’ve gotten in return for giving it up. When it comes to kicking addiction, we often think about we we’re giving up. But instead of worrying about the gap, we must instead relish in the gain.
Here are 10 things pot sobriety gave me back:
- Dreams! Remember those? Now I dreaming in technicolor and loving it!
- No more hangry pot hangovers – that fuzzy morning ‘haze’
- Laser focus and unbridled motivation
- My memory – I’m shocked at how much this has improved. They don’t call it ‘Dope’ for nothing.
- My high school weight – no munchies = 30 pounds of weight loss!
- Reading – instead of zoning out watching tv, I’m reading. I’ve read 23 books since I quit smoking 6 months ago AND I remember them (see #3)
- MONEY $$$ – I’m saving something like $1,200 – $1,500 a year and started an investment portfolio with the savings.
- Loss of interest in getting drunk – there’s no more ‘buzz chasing‘
- My morning routine
- No more worrying about pot sobriety tests!
There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t contemplate how meditation and it’s summary dismissal of my pot addiction has changed my life. It’s truly remarkable.
Yet, for many, marijuana remains a facet of life. This is particularly true in states where it’s been legalized, like my home state of California. Again, I have no issues with this. It’s just not for me anymore.
Final Thoughts On Pot Sobriety Tests
I’m sure you didn’t come here to get a lecture on sobriety. You just wanted to find some quick and easy way to pass a pot sobriety test. And I hope you are able to pass that test and get on with your life. I truly do. I know the stress of having to pass one of this tests, especially when a job hangs in the balance. And I empathize with your having drug testing hanging over your head. Believe me.
In hindsight, I marvel that there was a time when I was so dedicated to smoking pot that I created the elaborate nine step process above to pee clean on a pot sobriety test. Seriously! That’s a lot of effort to put into a habit that robbed me of so much over so long a period of time.
But addiction can provide great inspiration in the continued pursuit of it.
Remember, know your number, buy as much time as possible, and most importantly, if you don’t smoke pot, you’ll never have to worry about this ever again.
Good luck and God speed!
