Yet somehow, I managed to fool most of folks. How else can I explain the consistent promotions? Why would anyone with knowledge of my addiction let me run their company or put me in charge of a large division? Well, that’s exactly what happened. I had become a master of appearances.
As I’ve written many times before, I haven’t given pot up, but rather offered it up or, more plainly, let it go. Strangely, pot seems to have reciprocated by letting me go in return. Everytime I reflect on this mutual letting go, how pot ‘quit me’, I realize how strange it may sound. But that’s what happened. It feels like a amicable breakup devoid of any emotional attachment for lack of a better analogy.
Then I imagined a black cloud rises up out of it and gathering above it. I inhaled this cloud as deeply as I could and held my breath for a few seconds as I witnessed it being consumed and transformed in the warm light of my heart. When I exhaled the light, I, myself, became lighter. A weight lifted off of me. The more I repeated this process, the lighter and freer I felt.
Money is a separation construct. It compartmentalizes all of us: have none, have a little, have some, have much, have much more, have a lot, have way too much, have more than you’ll ever need in a million years. As we go, each compartment gets progressively smaller and more exclusive.
Since I began my sobriety journey and started to recast my relationship with pot and alcohol, I had no idea, no feeling, of how numb I had become. I had been through the death of my mother-in-law, my father (at the height of Covid) – both from cancer. Like you, I dealt with Covid 19. There was also a crazy hostile work environment going on at the same time. Yet, through it all, I was numb. If I felt anything, it was anger, frustration, exhaustion.