Let’s face it. We live in a very competitive society. One that is outwardly focused on the presumed success or failure of you and everyone around you. Most importantly, how your own successes and failures stack up against your family, friends, neighbors, acquaintances, and even total strangers. In Mindful Money, we collectively refer to all these people and the competition between you and them as ‘keeping up with the Jones’.
Is this why you feel so compelled to climb the corporate ladder or shatter the glass ceiling? To see and be seen? Is it all for societal acceptance and acknowledgement? Is that what you want? And what’s wrong with that, anyway? Isn’t it simply human nature to want to live a comparative life?
You Work Hard
Of course, we all crave acknowledgement that we’ve worked hard, made the right decisions, and overtly ‘made something of ourselves’. There’s nothing inherently wrong with feeling this way. In fact, it’s not only quite ‘normal’ but quite expected. It’s what you’ve been told your whole life.
Spend a few minutes on any social media platform (maybe you found this article on one such platform) and you’ll discover a menagerie of attention seeking individuals ‘sharing’ a highly curated version of their existence.
“Look at me! Look at how wonderful my life is! Can you believe I’m on an African safari? I can hardly believe it myself. Let me share dozens of photos so you can wish you were me doing this awesome thing I’m doing! Oh, did you miss my last post? Don’t worry, just in case you did, I’ll be posting updates like 50x a day….”
You wouldn’t worry so much about what others think of you if you realized how seldom they do.
– Eleanor Roosevelt
Please don’t misunderstand me. I have nothing against African safaris and may decide to go on one myself someday, but if I ever decide to drop some serious coin on a trip of this nature, you’ll never see a single mention of it on social media. Why? Because I simply do not care whether or not you know what I’m up to on any particular day, AND I realize that folks (regardless of how many of them purportedly ‘like’ my post(s) or what they write in the comments) are far more likely to begrudge my experience than to sincerely feel happy for me. Afterall, why should I get to have so much fun while you’re stuck doing whatever mundane thing it is you’re doing?
Look At Me!
The ’Hey Look at Me!’ culture is nothing new. Comparative living is thousands of years old. Though, throughout most of history it’s been relegated to the aristocratic and monied classes. Today’s version is a relic of the aristocratic sensitivities of the 18th and 19th centuries. You’ll find monied one-upmanship on full display in any Dickens or Dumas novel. In The Count of Monte Cristo, Dumas exploits this brilliantly as he reveals Edmond Dantes rather involved plan to use his newfound riches to install himself into the upper echelons of Parisian society and subsequently rob his enemies of their money and status through his own well planned and over the top displays of wealth.
How did I escape? With difficulty. How did I plan this moment? With pleasure.
– Alexandre Dumas, The Count of Monte Cristo
While I hope for your sake you haven’t sufficiently pissed someone off as much as Fernand de Morcerf and Danglars managed to do to Monte Cristo, you don’t need an antagonist to deprive you of your freedom and potential. You do this to yourself when you live a comparative life.
For example, how much money have you frittered away on expensive cars when a Honda, Toyota, or Chevy would have fit the bill? When I lived in Los Angeles in the 1990s, I met dudes that drove Beemers and Porsches they couldn’t afford so they looked good pulling up at the valet in front of nightclubs. These guys would later return home to dingy apartments, full of past due bills, in a questionable neighborhoods hoping their fancy cars didn’t get stolen right out from underneath them while they slept!
Cars aren’t everyone’s thing. Maybe yours is clothing, flat screen tv’s, jewelry, tech gadgets, or vacations.
Whatever your thing is, always keep in mind: Things = Money = Time or put more simply:
Things = Time
How much of your life have you wasted on material possessions acquired solely for egotistic purposes? Really think about it for a moment.
How many things have you purchased and only used once or never even took out of the box? Food you never ate and had to throw away because it spoiled?
How many dubious items have you bought or received that ended up in the ‘gift closet’?
Everything you consume, every single solitary thing, consumes time. That’s why many of us are working 60-80 hours a week or working two to three jobs and still can’t manage to get ahead. Sadly, many of us will never dig out of the debt quagmire we’ve created.
When you live a life of comparison, the simple fact is that your spending will always outstrip your income regardless of how many promotions you receive, raises you are awarded, or lotteries you win. Why? There will always be more to buy if for no other purpose than to impress The Jones and their ilk. Why do you think most lottery winners end up bankrupt within five years?
Living a comparative life digs a bottomless money pit into which you cast your limited time. What do you get in return? The illusion that you’re impressing people who are really too wrapped up in their own concerns to worry about anything you’re doing. Especially if what you’re doing makes them feel insecure about themselves. For those who do notice, the emotions they feel may be in direct contrast to what you are hoping to achieve unless turning others green with envy is your life’s goal.
You Are The Comparative Measuring Stick
If you insist on comparing yourself, use YOU as the measuring stick. Are YOU better, healthier, wealthier, wiser, and happier than you were yesterday? If not, focus there. By the way, there’s wealthy and the appearance of wealthy. If you’ve mortgaged your life to houses, cars, and credit card debt, you are not wealthy, you are indentured. BIG DIFFERENCE! When your things own you, you are not free.
To me, being wealthy is less about what I consume materially and more about how I consume my time and, more importantly, if I am using my limited time deliberately and with purpose.
Do you consider yourself wealthy? If you’re living a comparative life, you may want to take a second look…
Comparison, a great teacher once told me, is the cardinal sin of modern life. It traps us in a game that we can’t win. Once we define ourselves in terms of others, we lose the freedom to shape our own lives.
–James C. Collins
