I keep telling myself that my goal, what I’d like to get out of daily meditation, is a much reduced and more controlled relationship with alcohol. Total abstinence is a last resort at this point. However, I never planned to stop smoking weed, yet here I am free of that monkey for the last 45 days. Who knows, there may come a time when alcohol leaves me in the same manner. If it does, so be it.
While I didn’t grasp it at the time, it turned out that bingeing had infiltrated nearly every aspect of my life. I had become downright gluttonous in most things – eating, drinking, streaming shows, you name it. Of course, I didn’t see it that way. You see, I was under the illusion that I was in control and exercising my own free will as I needlessly frittered my life away.
I continued, “To that point, I hadn’t had a drink in 28 days, since my day after Thanksgiving debacle. I was having a perfect sober December to remember, but then suddenly, here I was, thoroughly disappointed about our canceled trip. Without a second thought, I tossed all my sober aspirations out the window. Christmas Eve would have been day 29.”
A big part of mindfulness training is exploring where thoughts and emotions manifest in your body. So despite not needing anything in this section of the store, rather than avoid it, I made the conscious decision to not only go out of my way to visit the beer aisle, but to be fully present while there.
I didn’t call it a parasite back then when it’s presence became known to me through a series of recurring and often disturbing dreams. I just felt its presence and its power.